Flower of the day-June 22nd 2018-Yellow daisy.

Colors are the smiles of Nature.

-Leigh Hunt

 

 

 

 

 

Image copyrights:Yasmin Khan.

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Someone called ” Father”

I still remember his smiling face.His eyes used to shine when he used to smile….My Dad.

For me he was the only person who loved me selflessly. So much care ,so much affection,so much concern.Thats what Dads are,right?So was he.

When I was 5 I got hurt while riding a bicycle.He taught me my first lesson then.He asked me to be strong.He said “Beta,cry for a while but also get used to the pain because someday it will heal eventually and again some other day you will get a new wound.Life is like that you know”

He used to observe everything.When we went out for dinners my sisters always ordered what they like.I was okay to eat whatever they ordered.He asked me ” Don’t you wanna order something you like?”I said I am fine with whatever everyone is eating.He then told me “Learn to ASK for things for no one will give you until you ask.You shouldn’t be embarrassed or shy especially to ask from tour parents”.

He was pleasantly surprised when I got admission in medical college.I saw his excitement when he took me to get new clothes and bag.He was more happy than I was coz I was the only person in his whole family to study beyond 12th grade.And I was so happy to make him proud.

To be true I was more connected to Dad than Mom.I used to Love all his love for me.

He and Mom used to fight often.But he never raised his voice against we children.We never knew their reasons of fight until we joined colleges.

Mom has always told me that his affection wasn’t real.And I used to hate her for that.Why wouldn’t I? Dad was the one showing all his care for me,so what if it’s even fake,I was ok with it.

I got engaged.Dad and Mom separated just before my engagement. Dad attended my engagement,promising me that he will attend my marriage.

After he was gone Mom started talking about all his ill intentions.How he wanted me to work and never get married so that I could pay of all the loans he has taken.Loans weren’t taken for us but for his own luxuries.When Mom told all that I still didn’t believe her.I still thought Dad was never all wrong.

Then slowly he started avoiding my calls.He changed his number.I couldn’t find him anywhere.Until 2 days before my marriage he called me asking for money ,which if I pay he will attend my marriage or he won’t. That day he became someone called ” Father” for me.Finally I understood whatever Mom said was right about him.

Mom married me off.And Ofcourse she was very upset with me coz I was blindly trusting my Dad always.

Later I got the news that Dad married someone a day prior to my marriage and now he is marrying off that lady’s daughters.It did hurt.A lot.But he has taught me to cry and move on right.I did the same.It took me years to heal myself.But we have to survive.

I saw him last on my engagement then never again.

After marriage I visited Mom’s place very rarely. Coz always the conversations ended in how foolishly I trusted Dad.And then everything used to get stuffy and tense and suffocative.

He is there,alive somewhere was all I used to think.After almost 10 years of marriage during my visit to Mom’s place I thought of visiting him.But then again that would upset Mom so I just came back. Couple of weeks later he passed away.

No one told me that he is gone until a few days later my younger sister called meand informed.I wasnt allowed to cry too as I was said he didn’t deserve our tears.

The most painful thing is to hold pain within ourself.I realised that then.

I wish I had seen him during my last visit.I wish being a doctor I knew what was he suffering from.I wish I could tell him that I forgave him for what he did to me.

My younger sister told me he had called her 2 days prior to his death.He couldn’t speak but his face showed he was very happy to see her kids and all he did was cry with hands folded and face bowing down in regret.Hearing that I couldn’t hold my tears.

I wish I could have told him that I already forgave him the day someone raised his hands on me when he(Dad) never ever raised his voice.

I forgave him the day I was looked down because for him(Dad) I was his son,he was so very proud of me and he never ever had called me worthless or hopeless or useless.

I forgave him for everything cause whatever he did he still respected me somewhere and may be even loved me truly even if it was 0.0001%

I still carry that guilt for not visiting him when he was breathing his last.I still wish I could have seen his face for one last time.I still wish I should have taken care of him in his last days.I wish…

I don’t even have his one picture with me.But I still remember his smiling face like it was never gone.

For others he was someone called “Father” to me.But to me he was “My Father”

I wanted to share this just because I want all of you to love and cherish your parents.Because even if they are the worst parents they are still better than this cruel World.And I hope and pray none of you will have to carry the guilt that I do,because to be true that thing Kills.

Whoever read this make a pray for my Dad that wherever he is May he rest in peace.

Happy Father’s Day Papa!!!